Dearest Family,
I know we haven’t met face to face just yet, but I am Leo, your soon-to-be best friend and loyal companion. Before we embark on 2025, I must first introduce myself and give you a little insight into my current living situation.
I’ve been taking to Miso, Data, and Sanders, my fellow four-legged friends. We've formed a secret Discord channel where we chat—mainly about you, of course. Our discussions mostly revolve around the injustices we endure: the endless lack of balls, the scarcity of treats, and the extreme absence of walks (don’t even get me started on this one). We also talk a lot about the emotional trauma we experience from having to watch you all partake in various activities that do not involve us. It's ruff, but someone has to bear the burden of keeping track of all your transgressions.
Over the past year, I’ve carefully compiled a list of activities and interests that each of my housemates and I find deeply offensive. I’ve tried to be as objective as possible (though my heart is heavy with grief), and now I’m ready to share this with you. Please, sit down, relax, and prepare yourself. This might be a lot to process.
Oh, Andrew’s such a good human! I’ve been watching him a lot, and here’s what I think he needs, in my doggy wisdom:
History of Weaponry by Chuck Wills: I see him always reading, and that book? It’s gotta be really important to him. Maybe you could get him a bookstore gift card so he can get more of those fun books he likes. I bet he’d love that!
Power Bank: His electronic thingy is always running out of juice, and it makes him grumble. Poor human! A power bank would be so helpful. You know, the kind that charges his gadget quickly, maybe one that holds a lot of power, like 10,000mAh? That way, he won’t have to worry about his device being all drained out when we're out and about.
Pants: Oh, Andrew’s pants… Hmm, either they’re shrinking or he’s getting bigger. Either way, he looks a little uncomfortable. Maybe he could use a trip to the clothing store to pick out some new, more comfy pants. Maybe a gift card so he can pick them out himself—he likes doing that! He always takes a long time to choose, so I bet he’d appreciate the chance to find something that fits just right.
Green Paper in the Pouch: I noticed that he keeps this green paper thing in a leather pouch in his back pocket. weirdo.
Sam loves Christmas—there’s a big tree inside, and it smells so nice! They hang up socks, but I don’t really know why. I just know they get happy, and that makes me wag my tail. There’s also yummy food around, so that’s a plus!
My human is always happy when family is around. Everyone cuddles me, and I get all the belly rubs. It's the best!
Sam also like coloring. They sit with paper and markers, making bright pictures. Sometimes they draw me! I don’t know why, but I like it when they say I’m a "good boy."
And there's this song beat game they play on their phone. They tap to the music, and I just watch, wagging my tail. I wish I could play too!
I don’t always get it, but when my human’s happy, I’m happy. I’ll just keep being the best pup I can be!
I heard Santa has busy building a tablet, i know Kids turn into gremlins when a screen is around, but sometimes ya gotta do it.
Oh, DAD?? He’s something else. First, he wakes up super early and sips his "espresso" like he's some kind of wizard. Then he bakes sourdough—I wish I could get a bite, but nope. I just sit there, staring with my best “You’re gonna give me something, right?” face. Nothing.
Then there’s hunting. This guy? He wears camo, drags me through the woods, and comes home with... well, usually just more gear. But hey, I’m along for the ride, sniffing everything. And don't forget the gym! He’s been getting all buff, muscles popping, flexing in the mirror. I think he's trying to become a bear or something—couldn't care less as long as he throws the ball for me.
Oh, and the dehydrator! This guy loves it. He dries fruits, veggies, even meat, and talks about it like he’s some kind of survivalist. I’m just here wondering, “Can I get a dehydrated treat, please?” But no, he’s too busy dehydrating everything but me.
Finally, at night, he pours his fancy "Manhattan" drink, and I get my belly rubs. So yeah, he’s all about the bread, hunting, muscles, dehydrating stuff, and sipping cocktails. But as long as I get treats and snuggles, he can keep his weird hobbies.
PS He always smells fantastic, like we get it you like DS and Durga and Imaginary Authors.
Woof.
I found this note by Moms chair,
"Howdy Xmas elves! I'm excited to see you all so soon, and hoping for a snowy Xmas day! I always love vinyl records or a gift card to my local shops, Grimeys or The Great Escape in Nashville. I'm currently looking for the Faces, Little Richard, the Drifters, and America. Fancy chocolate is always good, I like pretty much all of it. Fishwife tinned fish or caviar is so cool and yummy. Other ideas are nice wool socks and beeswax taper candles, a real sea sponge shower sponge, Lowes gift card to fix broken stuff at our house. :-) Thanks in advance Secret Santas!"
